Friday, September 12, 2003
Write it out of your system
I'm having one of those days.
I don't want to. I don't want to, I don't want to, I don't want to.
I don't want to run, don't want a wholesome smoothie for breakfast, don't want to carefully measure the cream in my coffee. (The measuring spoon is way over there, across the kitchen, in a drawer. The prospect of getting it is too exhausting.)
I'm sick of it. Sick of monitoring my every move. Sick of eating mindfully. Sick of responsibility.
There isn't anything yummy to eat in my house. I don't have anything but whole grains and fruit and 6 kinds of veggies, and lean meat. This stinks. Whose house is this? I want potato chips. Right now. For breakfast. I want salt burn at the edges of my mouth and wrinkled lip ridges from eating a family-sized bag of chips all by myself.
I want to go face first into a bathtub full of Captain Crunch with whole milk, just soak and wolf and slurp.
I want white flour pasta with butter on it. Maybe a small vat of that. With garlic.
I particularly crave plastic containers full of manufactured calories with no nutritional content whatsoever. It hardly matters what it is so long as the packaging is very colorful. I'm looking here for things that have been chemically altered and puffed with fat-like substances and air that will taste ummie and salty and sweet going down. Crunchy! I don't want to read the labels, worry about all the devolutions of sugar molecules. I want to eat without care.
I don't want to have to THINK about my food. I don't WANT to run today. I don't WANT to lift weights. I'm tired. And I'm sick of it.
Wow. That was great.
Was it good for you?
I think I've just discovered the possibilities of a virtual binge. Because as I write out the binge of my dreams, I can easily look back at it and see how stupid it is. I don't have to do it. I can write it out and even while writing it, I get my whininess off my chest, and distance myself from it.
So even though this crankiness obviously still lurks somewhere inside me, I can pull it out of myself by writing it down, and study it. I can make up my mind that I don't have to do it. I can see clearly how much these binge behaviors would hurt me in the end, make me feel far worse about myself and my life, and in fact put me in danger, physically. It all makes sense. But it makes sense AFTER I had the release of fantasizing about it.
Because this kind of response doesn't have anything to do with who I am these days. It's just an old way of dealing with what I'm really feeling today.
What I'm really feeling is tired and cranky. Feeling overwhelmed by life's demands.
So I need to give myself a present other than food. I'm going to go visit my folks. Feel fussed over. Mom will yell at me about not drinking enough water. Dad will give me my hugs and hold my chair for me. I'm going to go curl under their wings. Just for a bit.
I'm just going to ignore the avalanche for an hour or two and quell my crankiness with people who are good to me. Maybe also an hour tonight of a book that doesn't have anything to do with self improvement or weight loss. Or a good movie. Or even better, a stupid one. Or I'll just put on the headphones and veg out for an hour or two.
Okay. Well. That feels better.
If you want to try this yourself, with your own fantasies, just please make sure you try it in a safe environment, far from the foods you will be writing about. Play out your food fantasy on paper, and then read it through, and respond to it with your more rational side. Go into self-care mode, and explore what you're really feeling today, and decide what you really need. If what you need today is to feel appreciated, go find someone who will give you that. (Be sure to ask them for it, so you get what you need right away.) If you need to be alone today, take yourself to a quiet, private place for awhile. If you need a break from all the counting and measuring, do that, but don't let it be a reason to overeat. Just eat regular meals for a day without counting. Start counting again tomorrow.
If it feels too scary to do this alone, then try sharing it with your favorite counselor.
Have the fantasy, and then use it to help yourself.
Use the pen, people,
Virtual Reality Binge Therapy
Understanding Binge Eating
16 days left to support JuJus jog for the Canadian Diabetes Association in the Toronto Waterfront Half-Marathon. Every Little bit helps
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posted by Julie |