Top Ten Weight Gain Tips
How to live your life to ensure maximum mass

(Ed note: If you're an actual skinny person, looking to gain weight, keep looking. This article is a bit of comedy, an inside joke for people working hard to lose weight. A good laugh. Get it? No? That's okay. It's our joke.)

Suzfehr from the weightwatchers.com message boards gave us today's topic, and half wrote it too. Her premise: Let's say you're a skinny starlet who needs to put on weight fast to get a part in a movie, playing the plump love interest, sort of, of Hugh Grant? What would you do to put on weight as fast as possible?

We could make millions advising these actresses:


10.
Always eat while watching TV.
That includes meals and snacks. Also eat while reading. And bathing. In front of the TV, try to choose mushy, soft food so you can still hear the dialogue. Cans of frosting and peanutbutter work pretty well. Save crunchy snacks for commercial breaks. If you find your weight gain slowing down or hitting a plateau, you're probably not watching enough TV. If you alternate sweet with salty foods, you'll pack more in.

9.
Eat when you're upset.
Or mad. Or hurt. Or happy. Or confused. Or sad. Or cranky. Or tired. Or eat when you feel nothing, but want to feel something. Food is enormously comforting. There's hard science to back that up. In a pinch, food can replace all other means of coping.

8.
Do not plan meals.
Our ancesters were hunters and gatherers. Eating should be an adventure! Planning takes all the joy and excitement out of consumption. You'll never put on your maximum weight if you plan your meals.

7.
Celebrate everything with cake.
Not just because it's what your ancestors have always done, always, always. Do it because there is nothing like the combination of white flour, sugar, and saturated fat to lay on the blubber. Donuts work just as well and are a very festive substitute. Someone, somewhere is having a birthday or anniversary today. Surely.

6.
Identify with fatness.
Focus. Try to visualize yourself at your biggest and fattest. If you can identify yourself as a fat person, build your whole self image around bigness and roundness, you'll never slip into the habits of a thin person by mistake.

5.
Stress load now.
Try to maintain as much stress in your life as you possibly can. The more stress, the more your body fights to hold on to fat. Stress will pretty much ensure your hard work at gaining weight will not go unrewarded. Over-book, over-commit, over-do, over-promise everything. Over-expect, over-much from yourself. Always. It's the only sure way to keep that weight on.


4.
Eat it before someone else does.
Eat as much as you can as fast as you can before anybody else eats it first. Be sure to get yours. You never know when you'll get another chance at a package of Oreos. They may stop manufacturing them any minute, and then where would you be?

3.
Eat at night, all night.
Four hours before bedtime, begin to graze constantly. You should be swallowing your last bite just as you crawl between the sheets. Set your alarm to wake you up two or three times during the night to eat some more. Follow any meal with some sleeping time, so you're sure to signal your body you have no immediate need for those calories.

2.
Avoid water.
Water has no calories and tends to fill your stomach up. Avoid it at all costs. You need to fill up with calorie-rich food and drink. If you're going to drink something, choose something rich, sweet, or alcoholic to pump up your energy load. Warmed up palm oil is ideal.

And the number one way to gain as much weight as possible:

1.
Do not move.
Try to remain as inactive as possible. Park your car as close to the door as you can at work, when shopping, when visiting friends. Try to choose inactive work. Take elevators, escalators. If you can sit instead of stand, do it. If you can lie down instead of sit, do that. Really think before acting: Is it worth burning off that precious energy? Send others to fetch things for you. Children are especially good for this. They can bring you food in front of the TV, for instance. Preserve your girth. Stay still.


(With thanks to David Letterman and his writers and anyone and everyone responsible to or especially holding the trademark rights to "Top Ten" lists.)


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